Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Transformation in progress


I always knew I wanted to be a SAHM.  I mean, I always wanted to have a career first (and I did, I had 2 very satisfying careers before the Nugget arrived), but I also knew if given the financial option, I would "quit working" (now that phrase is ironic because I have never worked harder than I do now) to raise my children.  I feel so blessed and thankful that Hubby makes enough for our family.

I love that I don't have to miss little moments, that I don't have to be constantly rushing the Nugget to and from daycare, that I don't have to trust anyone but myself and Daddy to teach, discipline, and comfort our son.  I would not exchange my life for any amount of money or a thrilling career.  I am not saying that all moms should stay at home, just that I feel secure in my choice.  That said, there are moments when I feel like my identity is slipping away, and I'm becoming "just a mom".  THAT is simultaneously terrifying, upsetting, discouraging, natural, and fulfilling.  Some examples:

10.  I'm finding it hard to hold a conversation that does not revolve around childcare.  This is extremely upsetting to me when I'm on the phone with my kid-less friends and I cannot think of anything to say or report.  I can hear myself turning into one of those annoying parents who can only debate the relative merits of sippy cup brands.  Make it stop!

9.  I have "momnesia" aka "mommybrain" where I can't remember where I put the car keys, whether I sent out that thank you note, and...what am I writing about?

8.  I drive Hubby nuts by forgetting about 50% of nouns at the time I need to use them.  A typical conversation in our house goes like this:

Me:  Hubby, have you seen the thing?
Hubby:  What thing?
Me:  You, know, the thing for the thingy.  The red thing.
Hubby:  I have no idea what you're talking about.
Me (with increasing frustration and urgency because this thing is important):  The THING for the THINGY - I put it in the office, and now it's gone.  Did you move the THING?!  Help me look for it!  Oh, never mind, I found it.

7.  The Nugget screams like he's being attacked by an army of sadistic porcupines if I attempt to wipe his nose with a tissue, but I just can't ignore the rivers of snot running down his face.  So at times when I just can't bear another meltdown, I use my sleeve.

6.  I can tell if the Nugget has a fever by kissing his forehead.

5.  I have never liked movies or books in which children die.  Now they make me feel physically ill.  Just thinking about it now makes me hyperventilate.

4.  I also get choked up a lot more easily.  I don't consider myself a big crier, but now Dove commercials, the Annie Medley on the Nugget's Broadway Kids cd, the most random things have me reaching for the tissue box.  I remember my sibs and I mocking our mom for crying over Kodak commercials and the Best Friends espisode on Reading Rainbow, and now I've inherited her leaky faucet mommy-eyes.  

3.  I get really tired when I stay up past 10pm.  I use the Nugget's bedtime as an excuse to avoid evening parties, but even if I had a sitter, I'm just too darn tired.  It's hard to enjoy a party at 2am, no matter how fun, when I know the Nugget has no snooze setting.

2.  I am overly concerned about another human being's vegetable intake.

1.  The song currently stuck in my head isn't a top 40 hit from the radio but "Roll Over, Rover".

3 comments:

  1. I feel the same way at times. I used to be a person with an identity, and now I'm just someone's mom most days. I love it, and am annoyed with it all at the same time. But I would never trade it for the world!

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  2. But what a kick-butt Mom you are!! And seriously - with the Top 10's...you could just email them to Letterman and earn money for them...hahaha
    B ":o)

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  3. BOY, can I relate....and wouldn't trade it for the WORLD!!!!!

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