I always knew I wanted to be a SAHM. I mean, I always wanted to have a career first (and I did, I had 2 very satisfying careers before the Nugget arrived), but I also knew if given the financial option, I would "quit working" (now that phrase is ironic because I have never worked harder than I do now) to raise my children. I feel so blessed and thankful that Hubby makes enough for our family.
I love that I don't have to miss little moments, that I don't have to be constantly rushing the Nugget to and from daycare, that I don't have to trust anyone but myself and Daddy to teach, discipline, and comfort our son. I would not exchange my life for any amount of money or a thrilling career. I am not saying that all moms should stay at home, just that I feel secure in my choice. That said, there are moments when I feel like my identity is slipping away, and I'm becoming "just a mom". THAT is simultaneously terrifying, upsetting, discouraging, natural, and fulfilling. Some examples:
10. I'm finding it hard to hold a conversation that does not revolve around childcare. This is extremely upsetting to me when I'm on the phone with my kid-less friends and I cannot think of anything to say or report. I can hear myself turning into one of those annoying parents who can only debate the relative merits of sippy cup brands. Make it stop!
9. I have "momnesia" aka "mommybrain" where I can't remember where I put the car keys, whether I sent out that thank you note, and...what am I writing about?
8. I drive Hubby nuts by forgetting about 50% of nouns at the time I need to use them. A typical conversation in our house goes like this:
Me: Hubby, have you seen the thing?
Hubby: What thing?
Me: You, know, the thing for the thingy. The red thing.
Hubby: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Me (with increasing frustration and urgency because this thing is important): The THING for the THINGY - I put it in the office, and now it's gone. Did you move the THING?! Help me look for it! Oh, never mind, I found it.
7. The Nugget screams like he's being attacked by an army of sadistic porcupines if I attempt to wipe his nose with a tissue, but I just can't ignore the rivers of snot running down his face. So at times when I just can't bear another meltdown, I use my sleeve.
6. I can tell if the Nugget has a fever by kissing his forehead.
5. I have never liked movies or books in which children die. Now they make me feel physically ill. Just thinking about it now makes me hyperventilate.
4. I also get choked up a lot more easily. I don't consider myself a big crier, but now Dove commercials, the Annie Medley on the Nugget's Broadway Kids cd, the most random things have me reaching for the tissue box. I remember my sibs and I mocking our mom for crying over Kodak commercials and the Best Friends espisode on Reading Rainbow, and now I've inherited her leaky faucet mommy-eyes.
3. I get really tired when I stay up past 10pm. I use the Nugget's bedtime as an excuse to avoid evening parties, but even if I had a sitter, I'm just too darn tired. It's hard to enjoy a party at 2am, no matter how fun, when I know the Nugget has no snooze setting.
2. I am overly concerned about another human being's vegetable intake.
1. The song currently stuck in my head isn't a top 40 hit from the radio but "Roll Over, Rover".