Ain't easy bein' a toddler

Hey ya'll.  This is a special guest post by the Nugget.  I gotta tell you, my life is HARD.  Here's a summary of my morning.

8 am:  I wake up.  Have to holler for Mommy, then wait while she does something inane, like put in her contacts, whatever that means.  She appears without a beverage service, a new bad habit of hers that I am trying to break.  I scream mightily and slam my head on crib.  It might hurt, but I think it drives the point home.  Still no beverage produced.  Grrr.  How is a Nugget supposed to start his day without a cold crib-side beverage?  

830 am:  I am seated in my chair, eating yogurt with a spoon all by myself, and I am feeling quite pleased with myself.  Mommy is done with her breakfast, so I very politely ask her to read me my favorite book by signing, "book please".  She smiles and grabs the WRONG one from the shelf.  I frown.  She grabs two more, both WRONG and asks which one I want.  I answer very clearly, "Blllllzzzz-arrrrgggg-eeeee".  The book is RIGHT THERE!  Why doesn't she see it?  Why doesn't she understand me?  I feel another tantrum coming on...

930 am:  My cd has stopped, and so I very helpfully jimmy past the child-lock and press some buttons to restart it so Mommy doesn't have to.  Mommy is very upset - I tell you, she is a control freak about electronics.  I just love unplugging the computer, unscrewing lightbulbs, renaming computer files /~///, but she doesn't appreciate my genius.

10 am:  We are finally outside, walking to a friend's house for a playdate.  I see a squirrel.  It is fat.  It is furry.  It runs.  I LOVE IT!  I MUST HAVE THE SQUIRREL!  I MUST GIVE IT KISSES!  I chase it into a neighbor's yard and up a tree.  Mommy, please pick me up higher so I can reach the squirrel.  What do you mean that's as high as you go?  I MUST HAVE THE SQUIRREL...now she is carrying me away from the squirrel, but I WANT SQUIRREL, I NEED SQUIRREL, I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT SQUIRREL...

1045 am:  I am having fun at the playdate.  Lots of new cool toys!  Yummy snacks!  Friends to play with.  And a most glorious chandelier.  Please Mommy, can I turn it on?  No?  Can I turn on the electric mixer in the kitchen?  No?  How about the lamp in the corner?  No?  Why won't you let me do anything?  You are sooooo MEEEEAAANNNN!

As you can see, I am having communication problems with my dear Mommy.  Hmmm, what tricks should I use to train her to conform to my will?  There's the banshee shriek, the red-faced tantrum, the limp noodle back arch, the river of tears, and the Bambi-eyes with pouty lip.  They say all Mommies are different, so you never know what's going to most effectively push their buttons.  Just to be on the safe side, I think I shall use them all.  Bwahahahaha!