Adoption Etiquette - Installment 3

Click here for Installments 1 and 2.

"My loved ones just suffered a disruption. What can I do?"

A disruption is very much akin to a miscarriage. Waiting parents who experience one are grieving the loss of a particular child and re-experiencing the other losses (and loss of control) they've experienced thus far on their adoption journey. In addition, there is not a lot of support for families who are grieving a disruption - often we are too frightened to voice our negative emotions to our adoption attorney or agency. And adoption expenses (adoptive parents must still pay fees associated with the disrupted adoption) often preclude us from getting additional grief counseling. Expect your loved ones to go through the stages of grief.

Please avoid saying any variation of:

1. Move on/get over it/this kind of thing happens.

2. It wasn't really your baby, so you don't need to be upset.

3. How dare the birthparents/agency/attorney do this to you?

4. I knew this would happen/I told you so/I was afraid this would happen.

Be very very cautious if saying any variation of:

1. This must be in God's plan

2. Everything happens for a reason

Please do say:

1. I'm so sorry for your loss.

2. Your child will come.

3. I'm here if you want to talk about it (then listen without passing judgment).