Things I never thought I'd say or do...

Things I did not expect about parenthood:

10. That the sound of toddler pee in the toilet bowl would be more beautiful than an orchestra and more satisfying than a pina colada on the beach.

9. That when my mom friends and I would get together, we'd be able to make it a maximum of 10 minutes before the topic of conversation veered into poop territory.

8. That I would feed my son his vegetables by letting him munch them off my nose.

7. That I would spend hours researching which foods soften or firm stools.

6. That I would Google, "How to change a wild toddler's diaper" after 2 years of successfully managing thousands of diaper changes.

5. That I would keep a lollipop in the glove compartment for emergencies.

4. That I would break into a cold sweat on the days that there is no junk mail for the Nugget to open "by self".

3. That I'd be frequently asked to "Hold it, please," while driving, and upon reaching back to receive the Nugget's gift, it inevitably turns out to be a booger (see #4 on the next list).

2. That I'd take my child out in public with a belt strapped across his chest instead of through his belt loops, just because I ran out of energy for that particular battle.

1. That our son would light up like zillion-watt bulb for the simple pleasure of watching a dog lap up water or observing a coin twirl down a funnel-shaped donation box.

Things I never thought I'd say:

6. Pee-pee is not for drinking.

5. Yes, that's a gentle touch but you can't even give gentle touches in the eyeball.

4. I don't need to hold your boogies, just wipe them on your pants.

3. Do you want to use up all of Mommy's energy just getting dressed or would you like to save some for a trip to the park?

2. Do you want to put on your pants like a flamingo or a brachiosaurus?

1. You need to have underpants on before you sit on the couch.