While we were planning our adoption with K, I actually begged Hubby to let me stop and just stay a happy family of 3 if it didn't work out. He agreed that we could stop. At the time, we believed it would work out of course, but I needed a plan B. I didn't think I would be strong enough to take another step if this child were to make a third hole in my heart instead of filling the second bedroom upstairs.
Weeks later, we looked at each other and agreed that although it would be nice to walk away, we aren't done yet. Turns out we are gluttons for punishment, and I have found more strength (or lunacy) than I ever dreamed possible. There's a child who comes to me in my dreams, and I can't give up on him/her yet. We are going to stay in the local agency's waiting pool with some stricter parameters, and we're going to be trained for the state's foster-to-adopt program. We are going to pray over any/every call we get and when one feels right, we're going to put the opposite program on hold and focus on that child. I know in this choose-your-own-adventure story, loss lurks around every corner. But around the right corner is the child meant for our family.